April Fools

2005-04-01T23:36:00.000-08:00

Ganda ng umpisa ng April ko...
Gumising ako ng maaga dahil aabay ako sa kasal ng niece ko...
Nakauwi kami ng 10 pm sa bahay...
Pag-uwi namin nadatnan naming may lamay...
Lamay muna ko sandali...
Tapos mga 1 am umuwi na ko para gawa ng blogs ko...
Dahil ang dame ko thought para sa araw na to...
Kaya lang medyo antok na ko...
Bukas na lang....

Death

2005-03-31T07:12:00.000-08:00

"Once I dreamt of death.
Now death dreams of me
And only rats and rotten flesh
Can hear my silent plea."

All living soul walk towards the same fate… this fate make all of us equal… when it comes all we can do is to accept it… be silent… be still… greet it…

The memories still lives on…

Greet Death...

2005-03-31T06:49:00.000-08:00

I can feel her inside me… a darkness so familiar to me… yet different from what I know… inside my head she reigns supreme… tearing my mind in half… inside my body I can feel her wrecking me… clawing at my throat… scratching at my insides… her pointy fingers… running down my rib cage… her tiny screams… coming from my throat… to my mouth… muffle my own… she cries so hard… can feel her shudder around me… her tears choking me… I gasp for air… want to turn myself inside out… to get rid of her… she is scared… and so am i… she has me questioning everything… my very own existence…

The light inside me blinds her… she close her eyes… can feel her inhale… her crest inside mine… laugh an evil laugh… the candle flickers… she blows out the flame… and fills my inside with emptiness… fills my head with nothing… tears out all there was… replace it with her own breed of darkness… a life without sense or reason… a body for the soul she is…

Her hands wraps tight around my heart… squeezing out the last of life… she rips out the empty core… push it out through my mouth… I scream… she curls up in the space… where it was… and start to beat me… her shriveled existence… continues in me… forever… the pain she feels… her desires… the things she yearns for… things she needs… have all become mine now… we have become one… forever…

She was around my blackened heart… wants everyone to see… the dirt and shit… the layers of hate… can’t get out… She will scratch at my inside… until she has made a hole… can crawl out… wants to be the one I hate… as much as she hates me…

She invades my head… my body… my thoughts… desires… everything is hers now… she is calm… but restless… stirs inside me… can feel her moving…. Slowly pulling apart the things inside… can feel her moving now…slowly pulling apart the things inside… tearing apart all that was me… feels so attached… yet distant… for the strange creature… who controls it all… she is murderous… evil… alone… scares… all that I was… and am again now… she pulsates… throbs in time… with my own breaths…

Can feel her evil… running through my veins… the blood still the same… sweet and sticky… she needs it… wants it… makes it my desire… my reflection… scratching at myself… picking off the dirty scabs… searching for something new… nothing but pure evil… she wants me to hurt… hate me… force-feeds me pain… and my own evil…

She makes my eyes hurt… makes me curse the things I loved… because she is scared… she won’t let me be… won’t let me see… won’t let me have anything… but her… her head falls back laughing… my eyes become black… I laugh her evil laugh… dance her evil dance… become the things I hate… the things she loves…

I don’t want to see her… don’t want to need her… but the emptiness she gives me… the darkness she envelops in me… is safe… somehow… I feel warm… alive… even though I am dead… she fools me… makes me see stars… drag my inside down… and spits on my heart…

She brings the rain… drowns me with her tears… has taken everything… but still I need her… telling me what to do… who to be… can’t think…. She does everything for me… and I am safe… I am not alone…

I despite the thing she is… the things she does… things she makes me do… but I am with her forever… we will never escape each other… this tormented life has become… for two what was once for me… she pulls my eyes shut… forces me to look inside… face to face with the prisoner… I see her… see her pointy fingers… I see her blackened heart… I am just as dirty as she… just as scared… alone… evil… just as black… caught in this hell that is I…

The pain… the hate… the hurt… the lies… she is all of that… she is all I am… don’t want to be alone… I cherish her… but hate her… can’t be anything without the prisoner inside my head…

Small white hands gripping my ankles… pointy fingers digging in… longhair flowing out behind her… her body bathed in a sea of darkness… evil hidden behind the pale-faced mask… dragging me through the present… along the ground… I watch it all pass by… into the future…

But still she keeps going… pulling me along… won’t let go… dragging me further forward… she runs…faster and faster… sometimes she turns to look at me… her sweet smile and innocent face… I know where she’s taking me…

She never stops… always running… quicker than yesterday… slower than tomorrow… soon there will be no tomorrow… I don’t want to follow… want her to let go… want to slow down… I struggle… dig my elbows in the ground… fingers bloody and torn from grabbing everything… anything to slow her… stop her… she will not…

Her evil laugh as I beg her… echoes in my head… “Almost there” she giggles… “Not long now”… chuckling all the time… laughing her evil laugh… tightening her grip… and picking up speed…

My head spins… overwhelming… sickening… I know were almost there… I can feel him… he’s just around the corner…

I can hear him… smell him… taste him… and soon it will all be mine… cannot linger out of sight forever… wait for him to jump out… to cram himself into my mouth… choking me… suffocating… taking away my breath…

She laughs as she watches… my hesitation… want to run… but life has been lived… there’s no way back…

I stand on the pavement of life… nothing to my right… a blank wall towering above me to the left… behind me there… is only the past… unreachable… wouldn’t go back I could… and up ahead… I see the corner… just feet away I stand… I know he’s behind it… waiting for me… I can do nothing… but step towards it…

He’s waiting for me… his arms reaching out… beckoning me… can’t see his face… don’t want to… she knows… want me to see to… pushes me on… so scared…

I have no choice… stumble forwards… tears staining my cheeks… snapshots of memories… flashes out of my blackened heart… the love I get… and heartaches that it comes with… for those dear to me… the reason I want to live…

As I get closer… I’m not scared… I’m concern… for those I love so dear… I turn the corner…

Hold out my hands… and I greet Death with open arms…

2005-03-31T05:11:00.000-08:00

Unclean Poetic

The reason I write...

2005-03-30T11:28:00.001-08:00

Many ask me where did I get this pen name of mine.
They said its cool its nice Am I really a poet?
Am I really a rock band member?
Am I a stranger you would like to know and befriend?

I guess my pen name has a strong impact to somewhat everyone.
Yet I think my pen name express what I am as a person.
And what you thought of me is who I am.
Names can sometimes be deceiving.

Words can express the words hidden and unexpressed within.
For it sometimes hard for me to express what I feel, loads of them trying to burst out of me.
My anger, hatred, seclusion, love, fear, and desperation are feelings that I have.
To write through paper and pen so I could write about my life and sins is the only sanctuary
for my raging soul to find peace. Its my way of confession for others dont have the time to
listen or Im just too selfish to keep it to myself.

My friends, critics, instructors, my inspiration,
foes, life, love, sorrows, lost, and others that I
have something to say is the source of all my writings.
I write not too pleased anybody. I put into writings what I want to say.
I write for my own wicked selfishness.

I write without the familiarity of the rules, must, and the dos and donts of writing.
Its me alone who writes what I want too cause thats for me the fundamental nature
of writing having the freedom and ease to write what is dictated my heart
and my thoughts.

I name my self Unclean Poetic because I dont have the knowledge of a novelist or an author.
I made my life miserable each passing day. And because Im unkind, unhappy and never content.

Who am I?

Im Ishan Shadez.

The Gathering by Ishan Shadez

April Fools

Death

Greet Death...

The reason I write...